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Fan Fiction by Opalescent-Angel

Batman by ArkhamLady


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August 23, 2009
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It Ain’t Easy

- - -

“Hey Ollie, look,” Speedy said with his mouth full. He jiggled the tube of potato chips in his hand and pointed to the face on the canister, grinning. “It’s you.”

Green Arrow scowled as he took in the Pringles logo. “Shut up, you little asshole!”

“Shh!” Batman scorned as he floated deeper into the immense pantry in the Wayne Manor’s massive kitchen. A stunning juxtaposition of granite and stainless steel. Robin dwindled behind, the reluctance showing raw in his knitted brow and subtle frown. He cast a glance over his shoulder, finding that the digital clock on the oven read 3:47 AM.

“Well it is! It looks just like him, ha ha! Man, Dick, you really should’ve been there when West brought it to light a while back,” Speedy chuckled, drumming his fingertips on the tube. “Oooh, that was great.”

“I’m never going to live down missing that day,” Robin replied with mock lament.

Anyway,“ Green Arrow moved on pointedly, but only after cuffing Speedy on the head, “It’s just like old times, all patrolling together. Who would’ve thought that all four of us would have ran into each other tonight huh? And just in the nick of time, too.”

“Yeah,” Robin muttered, “Who would’ve thought.” Batman spared him a brief look. Robin pretended to ignore it.

“And—how did you say we all ran into each other?”

Batman paused to look over his shoulder. “...Accidental circumstances.”

“I’ll say,” Robin grumbled.

“Yeah! That. Now,” Green Arrow redirected his attention to the stocked pantry shelves. “What grub, what grub...”

“Heh. Fruit snacks?” Speedy smirked as he tugged the dusty box out of the corner of one shelf.

Robin only snorted as he passed him. “I don’t recommend eating those.”

“Jeez. Mister Sunshine over here,” Speedy snorted, pushing the box to the back of the shelf again. “Fine. I won’t eat your Fruit-O’s.”

“I mean they’re probably expired past tolerable date.”

“We all have our guilty pleasures, Robbie-Poo.”

Robin hardly processed the snarky retort, being enraptured in his own train of thought. Or, as Wally liked to simplify it, his ‘mental emo corner.’ He hated that.

But he could not deny the ebbing paranoia summiting to the front of his mind. It was not that the possibility of Batman and Green Arrow being assigned the same League mission was so astronomical, but them just so happening to run into him and Speedy on patrol right when the thugs they were fighting were starting--just starting to get the upper hand on the situation, then swooping in to help them out just because they just so happened to be in the neighborhood at the time?

He was probably spying on me, like he used to a lot when I first left, Robin thought bitterly to himself, catching his mentor in his peripheral vision. Bastard. I can take care of myself…ah well, I’m due for a home visit. I bet Alfred’ll be happy to see me.

“Nice face,” Speedy snickered, and Robin felt a nerve reacting to the elbow in his flesh. Robin forced himself to unwind, if only just a little, and released a half smile.

“So you’re going to stay with Ollie for a little while longer or you heading back to Steel after this?” Robin asked through a yawn, rubbing at his eyes. Giving up on the pantry, they exited and rounded the grand stretch of counters and waded a few feet off to the kitchen table.

Speedy harrumphed and thudded his knuckles on the counter as they passed it. “Crashing with him for another day or so.”

Robin snapped up, recognizing that tone. “Everything okay at home?” he lowered his chin to fix Speedy with a concerned enough look. Both of them screeched their chairs out and sat down in unison.

“Huh? Oh yeah, no. It’s just, uh, Dinah’s uterus is falling out apparently, and she’s taking it out on me and Ollie back home.”

Robin‘s eye twitched. “Uhhh.”

“She‘s on her period, Dick.”

“Yeah, Roy, I gathered that. Thank you.” Robin made a face. “Well, you can crash here if you want. Not like there isn’t enough room.”

“Dude, we should invite Wally then. Just for a surplus fun factor.”

“I would, but it’s kind of last minute.”

“Well yeah. But this guy can run to Beijing and back in .06 seconds,” Speedy asserted, throwing his arms out.

“Good point,” Robin‘s smile became mischievous, “Alright, call him then, tell him to come on over if he‘s free. 4 o’ clock. Besides…he still has that debt to pay off. What better time to do it.”

Speedy stared at him confounded before a patent grin split his face. He pulled out his cell phone and speed dialed. As he talked into the speaker, Robin clasped his hands behind his skull and leaned back in his chair. He noticed Batman float out of the pantry with Green Arrow right behind him…holding a few boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Robin cocked an eyebrow but shrugged it off.

“He knows what he has to do?” Robin questioned without missing a beat as Speedy’s phone snapped shut.

“Oh. He knows,” Speedy smirked. They then tuned back in on their mentors, catching them in a rather questionable situation.

“I’ve never seen Batman cook before,” Speedy murmured.

Batman was standing before the glistening stove, the blue fire under the pot hissing as he turned the knob to extinguish it.

“It wouldn’t be this interesting with anyone else,” Robin smiled crookedly, one of his mask lenses becoming wider than the other.

They continued to observe as the caped crusader wandered to the sink and drained the pasta quickly before moving back to his previous location. Robin noted with growing amusement that Batman seemed to always have the same facial expression no matter what he was doing.

“Hey, Bats. Ain’t cha gonna put more cheese in that?” Green Arrow spoke up, hovering over Batman’s shoulder.

The Dark Knight stared back at Green Arrow intently before slowly looking down at the macaroni filled pot. “...It has enough cheese.”

“Well, I mean...the Kraft mix is just so generic,” Green Arrow pressed offhandedly, moving to Batman‘s side and leaning his back against the counter. He crossed his arms. “It’d only be common sense if we added some real cheese to it.”

“They’re not seriously going to argue about this,” Robin uttered from the kitchen table while Speedy sighed inwardly.

Batman narrowed his eyes the slightest degree. “It has. Enough. Cheese.”

“It’s some cheap powder wanna-be shit, are ya kidding me right now?”

“I refuse to argue with you about something as insignificant as macaroni and cheese, Queen.”

Robin stared at the feuding pair fixedly, his fingers interlaced and hovering just in front of his lips, his brow furrowed and his elbows propped up on the table surface. Speedy was not paying attention, but had a hand clamped over his eyes, unmoving but clearly giving off an exasperated air.

“Damn it, Queen! It’s enough cheese!”

“YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH CHEESE!” Green Arrow roared as his fists slammed on the counter for emphasis.

“Be quiet! You’re going to wake up Alfred, you moron!” Batman hissed as he waved the wooden spoon in the archer’s face. “You know, the reason we had to cook this in the first place!”

Green Arrow smacked the utensil away with a grimace. “It’s like universal freakin’ law, Bat Ghoul! There’s no such thing as too much cheese! Common fricking sense!”

“I beg to differ! An overabundance of cheese can prove unhealthy for your digestive track. Granted, it’s fine in moderation, but you should cut down on the dairy products when you can help it.”

“Do you even know what you’re spouting right now?!”

“Do you?!”

“I sure as hell know that that powder isn’t cheese in ANY shape or form!”

“I don’t even know how to respond to this,” Speedy groaned, not moving from his face-palm position.

“Looks like Bats is in it for the win,” Robin droned in likeliness to a golf tournament announcer.

“Oh, well look at chu, readin’ the ingredients. You think you’re so almighty with your fricking noodles and your...your powder cheese? Well fuck your powder cheese, Batman. Fuck. Your powder cheese.”

“But Arrow swoops back down with a double-hitter and an f-bomb,” Speedy replied in the same deadpanned tone.

“There’s no need to get hostile. If you want real cheese in your macaroni, then by all means, do it yourself. The rest of us will just eat it how it’s supposed to be eaten.”

“Alright, fine! You feed your boy that crap, and I’ll whip me and Roy up some healthy mac ‘n’ cheese!”

“Whatever,” Batman simply commented as he turned his attention back to the stove.

The two Titans slumped in relief, exchanging fatigued glances and sitting up straight at the table.

“Starving over here,” Speedy then called into the kitchen.

“Yeah, yeah, hold your horses kid. Um, Bats...you’re outta giant spoons. Can I use that one?”

“I’m using it right now.” Batman kept his back to Green Arrow. “You can have it after I’m done.”

“C’mon, I just need it for like two seconds.”

“No.”

“Damn it, Bats, give me the spoon!” Green Arrow lashed out an arm and groped for the spoon.

Batman whirled on him in retaliation and curtly pushed him back. “I SAID NO.”

Speedy ensued another face-palm gesture as Robin’s jaw slacked.

“I’ll give it back!”

“It’s MY spoon, and you’ll get it as soon as I’m done here!”

“I’ll take it by force if I have’ta!”

“I SAID BACK OFF!”

“It’s like...it’s like they just want an excuse to hate each other,” Robin commented, incredulous as he watched the brawl with wide eyes. He turned towards the kitchen entryway, seeing a pajama clad Alfred blinking groggily at Batman and Green Arrow. Probably not knowing what to make of such a scene.

“Sh’yeah,” Speedy muttered as he side-glanced the two Justice Leaguers fighting over the wooden spoon and screaming at each other, “It ain’t easy being cheesy.”

- - -
HAHA! Pun! I win! XD

FINALLY OUT OF MY SUMMER WRITING FUNK! YAY! 8D

Yeah...I know. This is made of total crack and out-of-characterness, but I wrote it mainly for ~Charm2Be's and my benefit. I hope you like it, buddy. Five more chapters to go. Whoo!

By the way...this is rated PG13 for....language, obviously. Yeaaaah. Don't want to put that ugly mature tag up for it though. So deal.

Oh, and don’t worry, Wally is coming in the next chapter. <3



Teen Titans belong to DC Comics.
THIS belongs to THE Mischief.
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:iconkamikazekitteh:
KamikazeKitteh Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Wow first timein a lng ime that a fan fic made me laugh out loud. Great job!:)
Reply
:iconliliant85:
liliant85 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol
Reply
:icontammyv:
TammyV Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think... I might just be in love with you.
That had me laughing so hard XD
Reply
:iconredmissy100:
redmissy100 Featured By Owner May 26, 2011
hahahahaha! I love this. i've read it like five times already. And I just ate mac n' cheese when i read this. and even funnier, my friend calls me batman. i still don't know why exactly...any ways i love it! well, i'm with Queen on this one, you can never have enough cheese. :)
Reply
:iconmischiefwriter:
MischiefWriter Featured By Owner May 31, 2011
There's just NO such thing as too much cheese! xD Thank you!
Reply
:iconsockless-sheep:
Sockless-Sheep Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2010  Student General Artist
AHHAHA! This is pure GOLD :XD:

:+fav:

~ Sheep xx
Reply
:iconmischiefwriter:
MischiefWriter Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2010
Thanks! xD
Reply
:iconxpeople1:
xpeople1 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
your story is so good i did a school project based on it.
Reply
:iconmischiefwriter:
MischiefWriter Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2009
Thank you! ...A school project? Seriously? o_O Wowza, how so? I'm curious now. xD
Reply
:iconxpeople1:
xpeople1 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. It was a very good story and my friend did a project about it too.
Reply
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